Top jokes of the world

**germaine** · 31-10-2006, 12:18 PM

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, we were married for 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

SECOND PLACE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as
everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

**fuyumi** · 31-10-2006, 01:38 PM

They are all good jokes. Really tickled my bone.

**violette** · 31-10-2006, 01:58 PM

hahaha.. thanks for sharing

funnysnow · 31-10-2006, 02:57 PM

haha.. nice jokes..

**teriyaki** · 31-10-2006, 05:04 PM

	Quote:			Originally Posted by fuyumi
	They are all good jokes. Really tickled my bone.

hah tickle nia!?

**.phoenixity.** · 31-10-2006, 10:12 PM

omg damn funny.~

**wangzi<3** · 01-11-2006, 12:26 AM

quite nice.. (:

**porcelaindoll** · 01-11-2006, 01:41 PM

nice! they are not actually VERY FUNNY but it least at the end of each joke they make go "ooooooh...interesting!" in my mind

like this esp:

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as
everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

**restless** · 03-11-2006, 11:54 PM

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

**hooyoo** · 07-11-2006, 10:06 PM

haha u noe the last one... it was featured in a new version of a batman cartoon called "the batman" haha

here is one short lame one.. also from the show..

a man walked in to a bar n he said.. OUCH!

**restless** · 07-11-2006, 10:09 PM

duhz? dont get it...:confused2:

**violette** · 07-11-2006, 10:35 PM

	Quote:			Originally Posted by restless
	duhz? dont get it...:confused2:

^5.. me too :speechless:

	Quote:			Originally Posted by hooyoo
	haha u noe the last one... it was featured in a new version of a batman cartoon called "the batman" haha here is one short lame one.. also from the s

31-10-2006, 12:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
germaine Cool SGClubber Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 264 iTrader: (0) Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: bt merah SGC$: 672.00 Bank: 0.00 Total SGC$: 672.00	Top jokes of the world Top joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, we were married for 35 years." Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...." THE WINNING JOKE A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" SECOND PLACE Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" Top Joke in England Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk." Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast." Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

31-10-2006, 01:38 PM	#2 (permalink)
fuyumi Ice Princess Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,209 iTrader: (28) My Mood: Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: Eastern Tranquinity SGC$: 111.30 Bank: 1,098.37 Total SGC$: 1,209.67	They are all good jokes. Really tickled my bone. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

31-10-2006, 01:58 PM	#3 (permalink)
violette Peach ^^ Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,912 iTrader: (530) My Mood: Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: Tampines SGC$: 214.46 Bank: 700.89 Total SGC$: 915.35	hahaha.. thanks for sharing Pls check ur taobao orders here => ( To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ) & ( To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Dear all, Pls contact me at To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. with regards to spree matters as I will be seldom online in SGC. Thanks. 7 ongoing sprees & counting... [China] To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Taobao To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. [Hong Kong] To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. JE551 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. [Taiwan] - To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Catworld To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. [USA] To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Charlotte Russe To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Smackers To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ELF To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Victoria's Secret To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

31-10-2006, 02:57 PM	#4 (permalink)
funnysnow Experienced SGClubber Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 8,394 iTrader: (1) Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: Singapore SGC$: 794.14 Bank: 0.17 Total SGC$: 794.31	haha.. nice jokes.. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

31-10-2006, 10:12 PM	#6 (permalink)
.phoenixity. Moderator Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,784 iTrader: (6) My Mood: Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: Tampines SGC$: 58.25 Bank: 520.25 Total SGC$: 578.50	omg damn funny.~ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Woud you lie with me and just forget the world? ♥ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Do support the SGC Charity! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Support me! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

01-11-2006, 12:26 AM	#7 (permalink)
wangzi<3 Experienced SGClubber Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 2,926 iTrader: (0) Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: Jurong West SGC$: 804.50 Bank: 0.00 Total SGC$: 804.50	quite nice.. (:

01-11-2006, 01:41 PM	#8 (permalink)
porcelaindoll 公主 Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 1,333 iTrader: (0) My Mood: Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: far far away SGC$: 421.20 Bank: 0.00 Total SGC$: 421.20	nice! they are not actually VERY FUNNY but it least at the end of each joke they make go "ooooooh...interesting!" in my mind like this esp: Top Joke in England Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

03-11-2006, 11:54 PM	#9 (permalink)
restless Experienced SGClubber Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 2,611 iTrader: (0) Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: North SGC$: 3,482.13 Bank: 927.54 Total SGC$: 4,409.67	A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

07-11-2006, 10:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
hooyoo Cool SGClubber Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 149 iTrader: (0) Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: panjang SGC$: 386.00 Bank: 0.00 Total SGC$: 386.00	haha u noe the last one... it was featured in a new version of a batman cartoon called "the batman" haha here is one short lame one.. also from the show.. a man walked in to a bar n he said.. OUCH!

07-11-2006, 10:09 PM	#11 (permalink)
restless Experienced SGClubber Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 2,611 iTrader: (0) Gender: Zodiac Sign: Country: Location: North SGC$: 3,482.13 Bank: 927.54 Total SGC$: 4,409.67	duhz? dont get it...:confused2: