shaynetidus

Hiyeez SgClubbers.. I am new here. This is one of the nicest forums I've been to.
Btw, below is one of the lyrics I've penned. Looking forward to people's advice on how I can pen better lyrics.


月亮 。太阳 狂想曲


近过宁静的海岸 寻找迷题的答案
真是一知半解 不知怎么办
发现没有方向感 也没所有安全感
只可一步一步走 往前看

受到任何的纠缠 解决方式非常难
难到所有事情 要按部就班
纠缠或许很麻烦 成为生活的负担
看到遥远的地方 有个希望


CHORUS:


在那遥远的地方 有一个最特别太阳
每分每秒它的笑容 都是那么的灿烂
此此刻刻在发射那 健康活泼的阳光
让大家永远脱离 可怕黑暗

夕阳西下让大家 观赏最迷人的海岸
让它告诉你它也 可以变得非常浪漫
让它永远做你的 陪伴你永远不孤单
那就是这宇宙 唯一的是 太阳


在那遥远的地方 有一个最特别月亮
每分每秒它的笑容 都是那么的灿烂
此此刻刻在发射那 柔和舒适的月光
让大家感受到 最完美晚上

整晚都在陪星星 守护它和给它温暖
让它告诉你它也 可以变得非常浪漫
让它永远做你的 陪伴你永远不孤单
那就是这宇宙 唯一的是 月亮

sin_istra

well done!

i was thinking perhaps you can include some descriptions of sun and moon? like.. oeange sun or silver moon? cuz i feel that you can better portray the mood with colours, even with words...

i know nothing about making lyrics... just rather interested in chinese poetry haha...

anyway, good work!

i'm a stubborn, self-righteous, hypocritical 老古板.
but what can i do? time goes on, even though i'm like this ya?
c'est la vie, requiescat in pace...

shaynetidus

thankew sin istra for your comments... would take note of it. yep, colours is a v gd idea... and different colors have different meaning... tink it's a gd way to describe love, rather than keep on writing "I love you", "You love me" in lyrics/ poems, which is kinda dull...

actually this song is meant to be written for a ger de, but she rejected me before i've the chance to show it to her... lol... her name ends with the word "han", which is supposed to rhythm with Tai Yang, and Yue Liang, portraying in the morning- she's the sun, nite- she's the moon....and it's called
Shao Han* . Yue Liang, Tai Yang. (Have changed her name for some purpose).

=]

sin_istra

yep if you were to keep using 'i love you', rather than putting the message across to the audience (the girl in this case), it will make the write look superficial...

think that's the problem with mandarin pop songs nowadays... very supreficial haha...

aiya you should have showed it to her still... might be able to melt that frosting heart of hers? haha...

i'm a stubborn, self-righteous, hypocritical 老古板.
but what can i do? time goes on, even though i'm like this ya?
c'est la vie, requiescat in pace...

shaynetidus

haha~~ i realise nwadays there's always an assumption by people... the "chimer" the lyrics is, the better it is... people would probably think songs with basic, simple language lyrics, arent good...

i realise Fang Wen Shan's lyrics are quite chim... bad thing is, cant understand some of it... as my chinese not v good... but after asking my mum, the way he conveys his expression, is super good...

i think one of the simpler language lyrics is, David Tao's songs... Wa Wa and David Tao like to pen simpler language lyrics... and is v meaningful as well...

I wanna show it to her for the next date de... cos i have finished writing the lyrics, but haven draw some stuffs on it...btw last time sing her one of my samples, she kept quiet (means not nice?) lol. guess that's the bad thing about showcasing composed songs/ poems? if it's v nice, u melt her heart twice, if it isnt v nice, kind of awkward.

Tian Wei

u hav a tune for dis?

sin_istra

it's not about how chim the language is... it's about what ideas , and how the ideas of the lyrics are brought across... i feel that lyrics nowadays are rather superficial...

i don't know about these songs... don't really listen to mandarin pop haha...

if it's nice, u melt her heart twice, if it isn't v nice, kind of awkward.
but many pieces of not-very-nice will melt her heart just as much as one very nice one, ya?

i'm a stubborn, self-righteous, hypocritical 老古板.
but what can i do? time goes on, even though i'm like this ya?
c'est la vie, requiescat in pace...

Jiamin_92

i think its not bad, though i think so parts not very smooth. but jia you jiayou. chinese can improve one. just read say hear chi can le. but cannot neglect eng too. lols.

and i agree that it's not how chim the words is. is how you put the words into beautiful phrases and to convey your messages in a unique way

Visit my blog at
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

:biggrin4:
BEAR BEAR FAMILY TREE CLUB
Jiamin_92 aka Retarded Retard Bear Bear

shaynetidus

hahaz..thx for the comments and encouragement! hMM.. which part not v smooth.. care to share? hehe..

Jiamin_92

真是一知半解 不知怎么办: this part doesn't look smooth to me.
发现没有方向感 也没所有安全感 : 没所有安全感 doesn't sound right either
受到任何的纠缠: i don't understand. maybe change to some other words?
此此刻刻在发射那: should be 时时刻刻
唯一的是: maybe should take out 是?
此此刻刻在发射那: maybe change to 时时刻刻都散发着?
最完美晚上: maybe change to 最完美夜晚?
守护它和给它温暖: maybe change to 守护它给予它温暖?

ahh. so sorry. i changed so much. see what you want to change and maybe repost it out again? hees. Jia you!

Visit my blog at
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

:biggrin4:
BEAR BEAR FAMILY TREE CLUB
Jiamin_92 aka Retarded Retard Bear Bear