funnysnow

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?" "Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

Social security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly
silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability allowance as well!"

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane when the stranger
turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "Ok" said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

E-Mail Adresses? ***

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up a E-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

Martian's Dick ****

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

Male Sex Organ ***

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

No Screwing ***

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow

Law of SEX.....

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matter is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

funnysnow