Laughter is the Best Medicine!!! - Singapore's Online Community

**Sonic Bear** · 29-05-2007, 12:10 AM

HAVE A GOOD LAUGH & GOOD DAY !

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, g oats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time,
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Cheers!!! :rock:

**Sonic Bear** · 29-05-2007, 12:15 AM

The "Lan" language

Well, this is funny....something for you to destress yourself.

When you join a company...you...KAM LAN

When someone tries to boss around, he's a.....XIA LAN

When there's favoritism in your company...you...TU LAN

When your hard work was not appreciated...you...LAN LAN

When all your hard work has gone into the drain... it's...LAN PAH PAH
LAN

That chee hong working in your company...he's a...LAU LAN

When you can't be bothered...you...BOH HEW LAN

When you don't understand the other party...you ask...KONG SI MI LAN?

That guy who tries to be funny with you...he's a...KWAI LAN

When you've got angry customers...ORE LAN

The company which you work in...NEOW CHEE NEOW LAN

When you've decided to quit...you wonder...CHO SI MI LAN

And you're outta job & don't know what to do...you...CHO BOH LAN

When you strike a lottery and became a millionaire...it's really...KYO
TEO GU LAN

Ha ha ha ......gotcha........ it's...MULAN !!

Cheers!!! :rock:

**Sonic Bear** · 29-05-2007, 12:21 AM

"BLACK ROBBERS" - True Story

By far the best email I've read so far....For anyone who didn't see
David
Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two
are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, but racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and
ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had to know
what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator was all too obvious now.

Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty
effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed
with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator
doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then
another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what
they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her
arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on
her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit
the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was
too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words
failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
behaving as though they were going to rob you?

She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn
quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor
they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little
unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down
the
corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into
her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card
said:

"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

Cheers!!! :rock:

**Sonic Bear** · 29-05-2007, 12:23 AM

Have a good laugh.........

Man : Where are you from?
Woman : U.S.A
Man : Are you here on vacation?
Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.
Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!
Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.
Man : !!@#$%

************************************************** *******
A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.
When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived,
the irritated customer asked the waiter.

Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
Waiter: No, sir...it will be round.

************************************************** ******
Two young boys was having their morning breakfast, consist
of hot chocolate and cereal. As he almost finish his meal,
the younger of the two headed for their aquarium, his hand
full of cereal. Just before he feed the turtles and the fish,
his mother came into the room.

"Don't do it, Kamal",she said."They'll die." The boys face
turned pale and throw his mother a desperate look, "Then
why did you gave it to us ?"

************************************************** *******
Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

************************************************** *******
Ben: These ice-cream are too expensive
John: Stop complaining and pay with a smile.
Ben: I wish I could but the man insists on cash!

************************************************** *******
Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double? You ought to
charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!
Barber: No, no! We ! don't charge for cutting the hair!
We charge for having to search for it!

************************************************** *******
New prisoner comes to prison cell.
Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.

Cheers!!! :rock:

**Sonic Bear** · 29-05-2007, 12:45 AM

TOP JOKES AROUND THE WORLD

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He
stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and
saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. '
Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

SECOND PLACE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replied Watson

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his
cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
__________________________________________________

Cheers!!! :rock:

**teriyaki** · 29-05-2007, 01:32 AM

	Quote:
	Man : Where are you from? Woman : U.S.A Man : Are you here on vacation? Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch. Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!! Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue. Man : !!@#$%

LOL omg for dis one...

**drpiggy** · 29-05-2007, 05:53 PM

i liked the silent treatment joke and the northern ireland joke!

**silencedreamer** · 29-05-2007, 06:18 PM

haha really very funny lehz!! thanks for the laugh!!

**yyhwin** · 29-05-2007, 06:32 PM

funny siao.................

**p0125772** · 29-05-2007, 07:49 PM

i like the wife vs husband and the silent treatment..good jokess...