GreenShell

Found these on other forums. Just want to share some to lighten up SGCmembers' day! :biggrin4: Don't flame me for anything.. Enjoy! =)

1. Q: A couple was cracking jokes along e beach. A moment later, they drowned. Why?

A: The sea laughed (Da hai xiao). => tsunami in chinese


2. A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of one of his customers. A beautiful 20 year-old woman answers the door in nothing but a transparent nightie and asks him what she can do to help him. He tells her that she owes him for four weeks' bill and that he needs the money. She wanted to know how much she owes him and he figures that, at four dollars a week for four weeks, she owes him 16 dollars. She told him that she doesn't have the 16 bucks but she will take him to bed and promise to make his teeth sweat. The kid figures, ‘what the hell’ and follows her into the house.
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out styrofoam spacers and starts to slide them over his ***** to make it shorter. The girl says to him “Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that!” He looks up at her out of one eye and says ''Not for 16 dollars!”


3. This is a story about two boys who went into the woods to collect some nuts. Once they have collected the nuts, they decided to return home. On the way home, they decided to stop at a cemetery and share the nuts between them.
'Well, this is a good quiet place. Noone will disturb us here' said one of the boys. So they sat down and started sorting the nuts between them.
'One for you, one for me,.....one for you....one for me...' the boys started counting and sharing. Two nuts rolled out of the gate onto the road.' Never mind, we'll get them later.'said one of the boys.
Just then, a small boy passed the cemetery. On hearing the voices coming from the cemetery, the boy panicked and ran for his life. And old man who waspassing stopeed the teriied boy.' What is wrong?' he asked.
'There...there...in the cemetry...The God and the Devil are sharing the souls beteween them' creid the small boy.'Nonsense!' said the old man.' Come, follow me to the cemetry. I'll show you that you r daydreaming.
As they approached the cemetry, they heard the voices again.' One for you...one for me. Yes! we are finished, expet for the two nuts outside the gate!'
When the old man and the boy heard that, both of them ran for their lives


4. 3 vampires went to a vampire night pub... and they sat together in the same pub table...

The 1st vampire order a cup of thick blood
The 2nd vampire order a cup of dilute blood
The 3rd vampire order a cup of water


The first 2 vampires turn to last one with a puzzled look...

The third vampire assured them, "Dun worry, I got bring my tea bag" and took out a used sanitary pad and dipped into the cup...


5. Q : wat happen if a banana fall down from stair
A : it becomes brinjal coz full of blue black (hei qing)
Q : wat happen if leave a brinjal inside cupboard for a couple weeks
A : it becomes banana coz it cures from blue black
Q : wat happen if a banana looks downward from a very high building
A : it becomes cucumber coz it fright until the face turn green


6. Q: What would lit up an entire soccer stadium at night?
A: A soccer match

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Knox

i like the vampire joke..
but i don't understand some of them
haha

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tomato

thx for sharing! nice jokes, de vampire n cemetery one. :biggrin4:

GreenShell

which you dont understand? I can explain! =)

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GreenShell

I'll edit and add in more if I come across more. (:

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Sheng4Eva

lol $16 for sex ?
haha

the 3rd vampire is damn er xin

last one dont understand

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FTW

GreenShell

7. A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."


8. A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Johnny.
'None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' Then Little Johnny says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, 'Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

'The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.'


9. A boy was going to take his English Exam ..... But he did not know English at all. After finish the exam , the teacher marked his paper became blur ...
Why ?? Because this is his exam paper


This is situation about a boy meet a girl ...

Boy : Hi , Do u know Chinese ??
Girl : Yes , I know

Then the whole story was written in Chinese.



10. Language Barrier...

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"


11. Ah Beng was on a bus looking at his girlfriend's photo. Suddenly the bus jerked and his photo flew under a girl's skirt. He went to her and said,

"Girl ah, can lift up your skirt? I want take photo."

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GreenShell

lol, no, it means his length of e thing is not worth only S$16.. and e last one.. e soccer match one u dunno ar? wad lit up e stadium? soccer "match"...

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DINEy

don't understand the 2nd one o.O

Eww no 4 is disgusting

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GreenShell

The woman thought she could pay off her debt by giving the boy some pleasure, but the boy feels that his "little brother" is not worth that little.. :biggrin4:

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DINEy

OH!!icicx.
Ah. LOLS~

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GreenShell

^^ Haa yup. Gonna post more soon! Boreddddd at office xD

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GreenShell

12. once there was a guy who had a tendency to fart every 5 mintues.
he was already in his mid thirties and he'd hope to find the women of his life
however due to his farting problem,
this resulted in a series of unsuccessful dates.
one day his friend told him

friend: hey! i got you a really good friend of mine this time! she is pretty, smart! everything a guy can wish for! you better sort out your problem before you lose her. these kinda girls dnt come around very often.
him: but how am i supposed to prevent myself from farting if i have to?!?!
friend: hmmm, how bout you put something to block it?
him: like?
friend: hmmm try a cork.

so he took a cork on that day and put it into his *achem* hole, to prevent the gas from coming out.

on that day of the date, everything was going smoothly during the date.
the girl had not noticed he had a farting problem, and even he forgot about hi problem.
both of them were waiting for their desserts when he said he needed to use the rest room.

the guy went to the rest room, and placed his cork at the top of the, right side of the toilet [ where if you climb high enough, you can peek over]
as he was doing his business, a police men walked into the next cubicle, and places his whistle on the next to the mans cork.
not noticing there are two odjects at the top of the toilet.
the man places the whistle at his hole and goes out to wash his hands, meet the girl, and has dessert.

suddenly, the man lets out gas.
and the whistle at his arse goes: PWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

the policemen, immediately responses and runs out
he take out his whistle [ the cork]
and puts it at his lips.




13. Man, my pepe is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
wait, SHlT.




14. A diver is enjoying the aquatic world ten metres below sea level. He notices a guy at the same depth, with no scuba gear whatsoever!
The diver goes down another five metres and the guy joins him a few minutes later. So the diver goes down five more metres, and is joined by the gearless guy yet again.
Confused, the diver takes out a waterproof chalkboard set, and writes "How the heck are you able to dive this deep without equipment?"
The guys grabs the board and writes back, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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Sheng4Eva

haha ... the fart one very funny ... haha

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FTW

DINEy