freedomkira

1) A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

2) A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in
that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why
did you die?"

3) A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him
what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky
and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all
buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....
they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to
ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and
over again, until you're perfect at it."

4) On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy due
to motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find it
locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to
fight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right
and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore
unaware of what had happened.
When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.
Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!

5) A little girl was walking along a beach in California when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little
bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,
broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

6) Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher
singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,
$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.


7) A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest
and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the
Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I
am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted
on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know
about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a
married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition
and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man
replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex
were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

8) A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came
to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful
Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way
home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they
each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the
registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or
so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

9) Working With The Police


The phone rings at Police headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

10) Gourmet Reporter


A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don''t understand!" he cries, "You can''t do this to me! I''m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well look on the bright side. Soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

11) The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the
front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is
"beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use
"beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room,
thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful
woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit.
Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the
room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning
was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very
good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little
Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said,
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and
he said, "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful."

12) The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

gumok

Haha...